Mark Sachs (ksleet) wrote,
Mark Sachs

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I am literally ANGRY with RAGE

So for some reason I went out and saw The Losers this afternoon. It's not a good movie. In fact, it's a very bad movie, but it's bad in subtle and not-immediately-obvious ways. I'll go down the list in order of increasing vein-throbbing fury.

1. It's a comic-book movie. By this I don't mean "it's a movie that's based on a comic book." There are lots of good movies based on comic books, like Batman Begins or Iron Man. I mean this is a movie that tries to look like a comic book. There's weird slo-mo and scene transitions, a thing where the current location is written on the ground in huge letters, a transition to artwork to introduce the main characters, a bit where when the heroes are shooting some guys they're freeze-framed like in a comic book panel. The problem with this sort of thing is that movies and comic books are different beasts with different strengths. What works for one doesn't work for the other. Just like with The Spirit, the more the movie tries to look like a comic book the more it's just jarring and annoying.

2. They did the teal-and-orange thing again. I never noticed this before I read this article and now I see it everywhere. Be warned, read that article and you'll start seeing it everywhere too.

3. It's incredibly damn predictable. Hmm, the hero just watched the helicopter take off, made sure the cute kid had his teddy bear, then the helicopter was blown up -- yup, there's the burning teddy bear in the wreckage. The hero's at his lowest ebb in the sleazy bar -- two, three, four, yup, right on cue the mysterious woman enters to change his life. Et cetera, et cetera. This movie is an assemblage of clichés and worse, it doesn't realize that it is.

4. Speaking of the mysterious woman, somebody needs to get Zoe Saldana a sammich already. She doesn't look strong enough to open a stubborn jar of pickles, much less defeat mercenary veterans in hand-to-hand combat.

5. IMDB's registration system is down so I can't log in to give this movie one star.

6. They made an enormously successful effort at creating a hateable villain -- seriously, Jason Patric was not just evil, he was also incredibly annoying -- and at the end he gets away... mysteriously... somehow. He was on top of a giant crane, he'd been shot so he wasn't moving very fast, the rest of the heroes pull up to the base of the crane in the very next scene just a few minutes later. How could he have gotten away? But he did, and we don't get to see him die or even get humiliated very much. An action flick where the bad guy doesn't die or at least get arrested -- that's like ending a fugue in the wrong key, dudes. Mega uncool.

7. And finally, speaking of the villain, all together now: OMG WE HAVE MET TEH ENEMY ADN HE IS US!!!111one! Yup, once again the bad guy planning a terrorist attack is a shadowy, heartless operative of the US government, just like in every other goddamn action movie made in the last decade. Because that's totally who carries out terrorist acts against America, agents of the US government, right? You know what? We're done here. I don't want to see this storyline ever again in any medium. If you're the sort of writer who thinks this is clever and transgressive -- I can't think of any less "dangerous" enemy to choose for your action flick than the US government, including kittens with broken legs -- please shut up and stop writing forever. It's over.

...Well, okay, I'm still going to see the A-Team movie. But then it's over.
Tags: media
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